Personal: How I kill myself daily..Tuesday, June 09, 2015
Everyday is a battle. More then year ago I suffered from a depression. Today I feel better, I feel more alive then I did before. Everyday I have to fight the battle to not go back to the dark place. And this is how I kill myself almost daily.
I am a regular woman in her young twenties. Except most of my friends are already having boyfriends, they work, they travel and me? well I do whatever I feel like doing. I still study, I kinda failed life before. Some things happened that I wish never happened, but those things changed my life completely. So currently I'm still studying and trying to make my dreams come true.
A week ago an old classmate of me, shared her pregnancy story with me. I felt bad for a while. Because I do not even know if I will ever have children. People are dating for years, and I'm single. I'm not really looking for a boyfriend, because I feel love doesn't work that way. And it seems, I'm always falling for the wrong guy. So that's one reason how I kill myself emotionally. I compare to much to what other people do. It's not because they have the same age as me, that I have to walk the same path. I do know that, but it's hard to believe my own words sometimes.
A second way is that I care to much about what people think of me. I wanna be the best in everything, because I'm a perfectionist. But at the same time, when people compliment me, I do not wanna look arrogant. So whenever a teacher compliments me, I just smile. I also try to much to make people love me. I always feel like I have to prove something, I just do not know what that is. People told me I look confident, but that's not how I feel at all. I have to understand that some people don't like you, sometimes just because of you, sometimes because they just don't "suit" you. I care to much what people think of me.
When working in groups, I'm the one who cries for days, when something goes wrong. I'm the nodding one, because I do not wanna create a fight. I let people 'walk over me.' I die a little bit inside when people tell me things like "we (me, not included) did our best." Then I start to cry, because I know I worked hard, but I do not stand up for myself. That's once again how I kill myself.
I am very social but when it comes to meeting people in groups, I'm the most shy person you met. You probably won't be able to tell so. Cause I won't show you how nervous I feel. Inside of me, I'm dying a little bit when people introduce me to their friends. Most of the time, it's gets better, but sometimes I kill myself so much because I wonder whether they would like me or not. I'm also the one who doesn't say no often. I will help everyone, no matter how much time I waste. I have to learn that some people are not worth your time. There are people taking you for granted, those who know you can not say no. But when you ask them, to help you, they say no.
So if you would ask me, something I have to work on, than I will answer you. " I have to stand up for who I am, what I believe in and most of all. I shouldn't waste time on trying to make people love me. If they don't like me for who I am, then they are not worth my time. Right?